First Comes Love Then Comes The Break-Up
This should be the title of my dating life. Since I was in hight school I have had 3 major relationships that lasted 3, 1.5 and 4 years. The three men I dated were vastly different yet looking back a lot of the same problems took up so much space in each relationship. I find myself head over heels in love and then hold on too long causing all kinds of problems in the end. Each of them also has moved on faster than I have developing some kind of weird insecurity inside me causing me to ask questions I wish I did not. Why have I not moved on? Why was it so easy for him? Why doesn’t he still love me? What works with her that did not work with me? I am about to be 29 years old, I know full well why my last relationships did not work yet this past week I was sad and depressed when I saw my most recent ex had moved on. WHY!!! Why do I do this to myself and why do I care?
After a lot of self reflection and journaling, I found that I do not want him or any of them back but I am morning the door officially closing. This is not a bad thing but those that have been broken up with know you always think they will always love you or event text wanting you back. I also began to question why I have not been able to move on and finally I was honest with myself the other night. The truth is I do not want to. I am still trying to learn from what I did wrong in the relationship and the person I would like to be going into a new one. I want to fully love who I am and not be sorry for one single flaw or strength. In the past I have always apologized for this or that but no more. No more games, no more rebounds. After the last relationship ended I was trying desperately to find anyone to love me and guess what, it was terrible. I did not learn from my mistakes and take ownership for what I did, I was constantly blaming him for it all. Well, it was not all his fault and really it was more mine than his.
After realizing I did not want him back I was just morning the door that had closed it was much easier to find solace in my feelings. Since then I have been considering what I want for a future relationship. I first want to know my voice and have it heard, to be able to stand with and without him, to consider him a partner not just someone I am spending time with and lastly I want to love myself so much that I do not take crap from no body. I also want to know the other person is ready and has the same intentions about the relationship as I do. Gal About Town wrote about this yesterday and I could not put it better. I want a genuine guy that is looking for love but does not want to rush anything but is open to whatever life brings his way.
Bottom line love in any relationship is hard but if you do not know how to love yourself, care for yourself or stand on your own, romantic love will be hard to find. Am I ready to dive into the dating world, not really but if the cute guy in my building happened to ask me to get dinner, I am not going to say no.
“Don’t cry because it is over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss
– XO – BM